There won't be the usual pictures on this post. I want to get how I am feeling written down so I can fully explain.
Today I woke up feeling incredibly anxious. I try to get on with my day but it's like one of those annoying fruit flies that keeps coming back and buzzing in my ear.
I am dreading the school run. I find myself unable to look people in the eye, I pray no one speaks to me. If I am able to make conversation I stumble on my words and I'm worried I'm not making sense. If someone asks me a question and I don't quite hear what they say instead of saying pardon I'll say thanks or yeah. It makes you feel like you will be criticised if you try or worse, judged.
If I'm invited out with friends I find myself saying yes but then later trying to find any excuse to get myself out of it. It appears I am rude but they have no idea how much I want to go.
It also occurs when I have to speak to someone I don't know on the phone say for a telephone interview. Everyone gets nervous but when you have social anxiety it is crippling.
It makes me feel lonely, it knocks my confidence and it has such a huge impact on my day to day life. Everyday tasks become difficult and routine appointments such as a visit to see the GP can cause intense worry days before I actually have to go.
When I go out I find myself rushing to get things done so I can just get home. It's exhausting.
It's intense and it's very real. As with all mental health illnesses every day is different. Some days I can actually go out, make the effort to speak to people and feel a real sense of achievement. Other days I go out and I just want the ground to swallow me up.
By opening up about this I hope that it encourages me to push myself more and explains why sometimes I'm just not myself. Blogging/vlogging has been helping build my confidence but unfortunately I'm very good at hiding how I'm really feeling.
Thank you for reading and have a lovely week