Some of my favourite pictures from half term. It was a very up and down two weeks. The first week was perfect. Hubby was home for three days, we went swimming, to the beach, to our favourite tea rooms and it was just lovely to all be together.
Isabelle has always been a little afraid of horses but at our local park there is a field full of them and she fell in love. Charlie was very happy to have her home as he got his play mate back again.
The second week of half term didn't go exactly to plan. Charlie came down with a nasty virus which also included a horrible case of conjunctivitis. I then got the virus but instead of my eyes it affected my ears (labyrinthitis) and I suffered with vertigo. Thankfully we are just about over it but I do feel bad that it stopped some of our plans.
Isabelle was so ready to go back to school though, she missed it so much. I think the rest did her good though and of course I got to have her at home for two weeks. All though it was pretty trying at times I love having her home.
The next half term is only a month away and I'll soon be planning our next adventures.
How did I get here? To the lowest point of being a Mother? To feel totally defeated and completely unsure of which way to turn?
I feel like this post has brewing for a few weeks but I feared judgement. I realise that I shouldn't, this is my space to let out moments in my life like this.
I want to shout it from the roof tops I NEED A BREAK! I can no longer remember who I was before I became a Mum. It has entirely consumed me and 99% of the time I wouldn't have it any other way. But I sit here after one of the toughest days I have experienced since becoming a Mum nearly five years ago feeling like I am totally failing.
I guess I should explain why. Anyone who personally knows me will be able to tell you just how much my children mean to me. They saved me from a very dark time in my life, they are a total gift. Like any Mother I do my absolute best to give them the whole world and to make sure they know how truly loved they are.
They are now nearly five and two years old and these ages are the toughest I have experienced so far. The constant bickering, the not doing as they are asked. No form of discipline works with them anymore, we have tried everything. Charlie has become a classic toddler, doing everything he can to push his boundaries and that I can understand. Isabelle on the other hand has just pushed me to breaking point. The awful attitude (I dread what she will be like as a teenager) not doing as she is asked with the most simplest of thing's. Doing thing's which she knows are naughty over and over again which of course Charlie now copies. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Why do I feel like I have failed? Because if I was a better Mum then maybe these things wouldn't be happening. Maybe they would listen or do as they are asked just once in a while. I see other children with their parents behaving or doing as they are asked and I just want that for one day. All I ever wanted was to be a Mother and the day I became one was the proudest moment of my life but I have this over whelming feeling that I'm just not doing a good enough job while at the same time not knowing how I can make things better.
I know that I am feeling it more because it's been half term and I was kind of prepared for it. Everyday is a struggle at the moment and when I see my husband for ten minutes before he goes to his second job and then do dinner/bedtime on my own it is beyond hard. He knows how I feel but at the same time like me he is doing what he has to for our family.
As I type this Charlie has come downstairs for the fourth time since being put to bed an hour ago and I just need some time to get over the day. The struggle could not be more real at the moment and I truly hope it passes soon because right now my best just doesn't feel enough.
Looking at this picture two and a half years later I can still remember exactly how I felt. Isabelle had of course visited us in hospital but this was the first picture of us reunited at home. My first born was now suddenly a big sister and I was over whelmed with love for both of my children. But there is another side to this picture too. I was in total agony. I had forced myself to go home after two days stuck in hospital but just as I was being discharged I said to the midwife that I was in so much pain that I needed more pain relief. I was already up to my eyeballs in paracetamol and ibuprofen and if I had liquid morphine I would have to stay in hospital. No, I was determined to get home but once I was there I got into a panic of how on earth am I going to do this.
Even though I had an elective caesarean due to huge complications with my first child nothing prepared me for what I was going to go through. You don't realise just how much your body is going to have to deal with. Some people still consider caesareans to be the easy option but let me tell you that couldn't be further from the truth. You are having major surgery, you are left with a stitched/stapled stomach, you can be on pain killers for weeks and then you have to try to pull yourself back together to look after a new born.
There is not enough awareness of caesareans. I think all pregnant mothers should be given information to at least prepare them. It is incredibly daunting/scary when you are suddenly told you have to have an emergency caesarean or a planned one due to medical reasons. I was not given any advise or information leading up to the planned date to have Charlie.
A caesarean was what was right for me and what was safest second time round. It's also important to remember that it is possible to have a vaginal birth after having a caesarean if that is what you want to do. My scar is now barely visible but it has left me with an empowering reminder that it is there because I brought my child into the world.
On Sunday we decided to hit the beach (with what felt like the rest of the UK) as we wanted to make the most of the warm weather. We were going to head to Brighton but we didn't realise until the last minute that the marathon was on so we're looking forward to visiting another time.
The kids were in their element and like me I'm sure they would live by the sea if they could. All Isabelle wanted to do was to stay in the sea and my goodness it was freezing but that didn't bother her one bit!
I think we under estimated just how hot it was though as we all had factor 50 on but I still managed to get burnt, ouch! Myself and hubby took it in turns to sit with Charlie building sand castles and taking Isabelle in the sea because of course they didn't want to do the same thing! Although to be honest Charlie is not mega keen on the sea just yet.
We had a lovely picnic and the obligatory ice cream but as you can see Charlie was more interested in eating the sand! There were so many people there that I did start to feel slightly anxious and over whelmed as there was just no breathing space. We did have a lovely day though and it was definitely worth the three hour drive.
Having Isabelle home from school for two weeks is just the best feeling. We have lots planned but this was our big day out as hubby is working Easter weekend, boooooo! The kids were totally shattered and fell asleep five minutes into the journey home.
The kids are bloody hard work but days like this and seeing there faces full of pure happiness makes it all worth while. Family time is the best time, that's all there is to it.
This week the winners of a vlogging competition were announced and like many Mummy vlogger's I was left feeling deflated after not getting through. I felt totally disheartened and like I should just give up. Was I not good enough, did I not fit what they were looking for? Of course not! There are some truly talented people out there and so many people applied that I knew it was just going to be about the taking part this time round. Then something amazing happened. A thread was started on one of the Mummy Vlogger groups I am apart of and my goodness what a thread it was. It was full of woman building each other up, reminding each other that we are all amazing and that we just need to remember to be ourselves. I went from feeling disappointed to realising that I am apart of an amazing community of Mum's.
Since Monday I have felt a great sense of determination to keep going and to really build my Youtube channel. Further more it has taught me once again that I need to stay true to myself and to never have self-doubt when it comes to anything in my life. Don't get me wrong sometimes change is good but never change who you are just to please other people. Yes you have flaws, imperfections and if your like me your also a little bit weird but that's what people love about you, it's who YOU are. 'Just be who you want to be not what others want to see'.