How did I get here? To the lowest point of being a Mother? To feel totally defeated and completely unsure of which way to turn?
I feel like this post has brewing for a few weeks but I feared judgement. I realise that I shouldn't, this is my space to let out moments in my life like this.
I want to shout it from the roof tops I NEED A BREAK! I can no longer remember who I was before I became a Mum. It has entirely consumed me and 99% of the time I wouldn't have it any other way. But I sit here after one of the toughest days I have experienced since becoming a Mum nearly five years ago feeling like I am totally failing.
I guess I should explain why. Anyone who personally knows me will be able to tell you just how much my children mean to me. They saved me from a very dark time in my life, they are a total gift. Like any Mother I do my absolute best to give them the whole world and to make sure they know how truly loved they are.
They are now nearly five and two years old and these ages are the toughest I have experienced so far. The constant bickering, the not doing as they are asked. No form of discipline works with them anymore, we have tried everything. Charlie has become a classic toddler, doing everything he can to push his boundaries and that I can understand. Isabelle on the other hand has just pushed me to breaking point. The awful attitude (I dread what she will be like as a teenager) not doing as she is asked with the most simplest of thing's. Doing thing's which she knows are naughty over and over again which of course Charlie now copies. This is just the tip of the iceberg.
Why do I feel like I have failed? Because if I was a better Mum then maybe these things wouldn't be happening. Maybe they would listen or do as they are asked just once in a while. I see other children with their parents behaving or doing as they are asked and I just want that for one day. All I ever wanted was to be a Mother and the day I became one was the proudest moment of my life but I have this over whelming feeling that I'm just not doing a good enough job while at the same time not knowing how I can make things better.
I know that I am feeling it more because it's been half term and I was kind of prepared for it. Everyday is a struggle at the moment and when I see my husband for ten minutes before he goes to his second job and then do dinner/bedtime on my own it is beyond hard. He knows how I feel but at the same time like me he is doing what he has to for our family.
As I type this Charlie has come downstairs for the fourth time since being put to bed an hour ago and I just need some time to get over the day. The struggle could not be more real at the moment and I truly hope it passes soon because right now my best just doesn't feel enough.