Sunday, 14 May 2017

An old unwanted friend is back again

I have sat here for ten minutes thinking of how to start this post. My mind is just full of so many different thoughts all wanting to be written down at the same time.

This week my world came crashing down again. Anxiety is back.

Over the past few weeks it's been buzzing in the background like an annoying fruit fly but I have pushed it further and further down. I will not let you back in. It had other ideas. The past few weeks have been full of over worrying and waking up in the morning feeling more tired than when I went to bed. I knew it was coming and that it would hit me hard. And sure enough it did. On Wednesday morning I proceeded to have a three hour panic attack as soon as I woke up at 6am. It gets worse, this was all happening while still trying to act like everything was ok while getting the children ready for the school run. 

I was out of my body, my words muddled, the room spinning, I was hot, sweaty, my legs were like jelly, I felt like I was drowning and I thought I was going to collapse. I managed to get Isabelle to school purely by hanging onto Charlie's buggy for dear life and then getting home as quickly as I could. 

When it had passed I was angry. Angry that it was back, angry that I had let it back in. The best way to describe my anxiety is that I am fine for a few months then I will have a flare up. This flare up is the worst I have had in years. The type were you don't ever see your life being back to normal again. Anxiety is something that I live with, I have done so for most of my life but it doesn't stop it hurting when it returns.

What hasn't helped is that I have had two episodes of Labyrinthitis in the past months (confirmed by my GP) and anyone that has had this knows how truly awful it is. It's setting off panic attacks where there wouldn't normally be any. 

I feel consumed by panic, fear and the realisation that I have to fight this again. Everyday I wake up and wait for it to kick in. That uneasy, soul destroying feeling of anxiety. I want to scream from the roof tops that I want it to leave me now, leave me for good for that matter. But I know that isn't possible. 

And why will I not give up? Because I will win this fight again. Before my children I would let anxiety win, I would let the panic attacks control me. Not this time, I will get through this again for them. If you see me smiling or laughing it's because I will never let them know how much I am struggling. I am there Mummy, it's my job to look after them but they have no idea how much they look after me. They keep me going, they are my remedy. 

It is mental health awareness week at the moment and I hope this post helps someone to feel like there not alone. I am not my mental health illness. I am Laura. A mother, wife and most importantly I will come out the other side of this.

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