Monday, 26 June 2017

Would you abandon your children?








No you wouldn't, this however has repeatedly happened to me during my life. I have always feared writing this post in case my parents ever read it but why should I feel ashamed? This has happened to ME.

Let's start from the beginning. I have always had a very strained relationship with my parents. I have always felt like I have never been good enough and that I was just a huge disappointment from day one.

I struggled with anxiety since I started secondary school and I was unable to sit my exams. I left school and at the age of 16 I started my first job and began paying my parents rent. I worked hard but as I previously mentioned nothing I did stopped me from feeling inadequate. The arguments became daily and they were always about nothing, just very picky and draining.

I counted down the days until I could move out of home which happened a month after I turned eighteen. They couldn't have made it clearer how happy they were to see the back of me and I started a new life with my now husband. Years later they admitted that they didn't want me to go and that they were angry at the time, hence the reason I had to leave such a toxic environment. 

The years following me moving out of home were so up and down. They would be in my life for a few years then they would find an excuse and walk away again. Every time leaving me in such a mess that my husband/friends had to pick up the pieces. When I found out I was pregnant with Isabelle our first child they were in my life. They had been for a while and things were good for the first time in years. They were the first people I called when I went into labour and seeing them meet their grand daughter for the first time was so special. Fast forward two and a half years and they were gone again, with no explanation. I was pregnant again with Charlie and they knew. For me it was like my whole world had fallen apart. I was used to the feeling but to walk away from a child? To walk away from a time where another grandchild would be coming along. From Isabelle, someone so innocent who was getting to know them, who looked up to them. As awful as it sounds at least Isabelle would be able to forget them and there would be no upset. There is no point trying to comprehend this because to this day I still can't make any sense of it. 

Now I need to add that my Nan is my rock, she is my best friend. We have been through everything together and without her I don't no how I would of got through everything. Every time I let them back into my life it was for her. A few weeks before Christmas 2015 and she called me to say that my Dad wanted to know if we could meet to talk. It took me a few weeks to decide what to do but I eventually decided to hear him out. We met at Costa and he wouldn't acknowledge anything. He wouldn't explain why they stopped talking to me and expected us to just be able to have a nice chat. This made me so angry. It was clear they wanted to be back in my life and even though I did not feel comfortable with this I had to do it for my children. At least at the time that's what I thought.

They met Charlie who was 14 months by this point and Isabelle again who was now three. We rebuilt our shattered relationship once again and for the usual two years things were the best they had been in a while. At the beginning of this year things were incredibly hard for myself and my husband, they still are. In normal circumstances we really have to watch our money but back in February after having to pay out for a few things we had to ask for help. 

I called my Mum just to borrow £20 and she wouldn't let me talk and said 'what do you want I'm busy'. I will admit I hung up the phone, it was happening again and I didn't want to say anything I would regret. Weeks went by and Easter came around. They sent the children a package and trying to be the bigger person I sent them a video of the children opening it. This was ignored. Fast forward to June and Isabelle's birthday. By this point they had not spoken to my daughter since February and had sent me a message to say her birthday presents would be late but they were on the way. I replied that I had no issue accepting gifts but only if they contacted her. This may sound harsh but I don't want either of my children to think that gifts just come out of the sky. For me what my parents were trying to do just wasn't right. You can probably guess the next part. They did not contact Isabelle on her birthday and for me this was the end. They had officially broken me. 

I contacted them and advised that I could no longer have any form of relationship with them and I asked that they not contact me or my children again. 

The reason why I am so upset this time is because I no it is the end. It's one thing to do it to me my whole life but I stupidly let them back into my children's life and for that I feel overwhelmingly guilty. I could have saved my children from so much hurt. Isabelle asked my why they hadn't called on her birthday and I just couldn't find the words. How do I even begin to explain this to a five year old?

If I had done something so horrible over the 29 years that I have been alive then maybe I could understand but I never have. I have written this post to try and help myself get over this as it is so raw. It is also one of the topics that I am going through with my psychology practitioner. The way in which they repeatably walked out of my life has left me feeling completely lost. They are my parents, I should feel loved, supported. Now I feel nothing. 

They have repeatedly abandoned me over the years and now I have to say enough is enough. I have to protect myself once and for all and more importantly I have to protect my children. My children could never do anything to stop me being there for them. I will never abandon them like the way my parents abandoned me so many times. The thought of not being there for my children makes me feel sick to my stomach. I always try to look for the positive in situations and for me this is finally putting myself first. 













33 comments:

  1. Such a shame. Raising children is so difficult, but I can't imagine a time when I wouldn't want to see my kids. I hope you have managed to get some closure by writing this post.

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    1. It has really helped, thank you for reading x

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  2. Very moving read, feel so sorry for you, it must have been incredibly hard. I think I would have done the same.

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    1. From what I have since found out it has happened to many people than I first thought, thank you for reading x

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  3. I'm so sorry to read this. They seem so toxic, it's good you can just cut them out. Must be hard though. Diana von R x

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    1. It is very hard and I think it will be for a while, thank you for reading x

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  4. Ultimately they're the ones that are missing out. It must be such an awful situation but I think you're right to keep your children from the same pain. It's a real shame, I have a friend who's gone through something very similar and it's really made them determined to be the best possible parent. Your kids are lucky to have you on their side! x

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  5. This is so sad, but I think you've done the right thing. I don't think anybody should have people in their life that are only half arsed, it's not fair. You deserve better, and so do your children. It's them missing out, not you. x

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    1. I think this is just the way I have to live now, either be in my 100% or just don't bother. Harsh but it saves so much hurt. Thank you for the support and for reading x

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  6. I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get the love and support you should have growing up, and even more so that things still aren't great now. We can only learn from the mistakes our parents made and ensure we are the best parents we can possibly be xo

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  7. I am so sorry you had to deal with all that, I dont understand how anyone can do that, my own dad is a flitter and will often go months and months without even a phone call and when we do finally hear from him its some stupid excuse.. you are very brave for cutting them out of your life x

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  8. Oh this broke my heart, sending lots of love. Sometimes you just have to do what is best for you xx

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  9. Oh my goodness, I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult time. I can feel the love you have for your children in your words. I hope that love can help carry you through such tough times x

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    1. Thank you, it's still very raw but I know I have done the right thing for us. Thank you, they really are my world xx

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  10. Aww that is so sad and such a shame. I have no idea why some parents are like this. It's just wrong and heartbreaking. Big hugs to you lovely, you're doing the right thing by your family and that's all that matters x

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    1. Thank you so much, it really means a lot x

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  11. Awww..really sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time, just think, that chapter is over, and live happy with your kids and family. Hugs x

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  12. I'm so sorry you've had that experience - you've now taken the steps you need to to do whats right by yourself and your family. Do not feel guilty, your choice was completely justified and was not one taken hastily. Here's to moving onwards and upwards xx

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    1. Thank you Kirsty, with time I know I will get over it just very hard at the moment as it's so fresh xx

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  13. It's not easy, is it. I can't understand why parents would not want to be in their children's lives. My mother kicked me out of our family home when I was only 16 and I've been fending for myself ever since. It's been 14 years since we last spoke...

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    1. Oh I'm so sorry you have experienced the same. I think that's why it's so hard to understand xx

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  14. I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm glad you have you Nan. Some things I'll never understand x

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  15. Please do not be upset by these people, I wouldn't consider them family.
    Your family are the AMAZING people who have been there for you all this time, YOU are an amazing woman.
    I wouldn't ever ever make contact with them again, it is their loss not yours. Your children aren't missing out on anything.

    My ex has stopped contact with my son atm & his family never bothered anyway, I don't plan to make any effort with them as its their loss not my PERFECT little boys <3

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    1. I think it's just so hard to understand because I could never do it. If anything it's pushing me even more to be the be the absolute best Mum I can be. If someone doesn't want to be in our lives 100% then I just can't have them in it at all. Thank you for your lovely comment xx

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  16. Ahh Laura, you poor thing! Just remember you've never done anything wrong and well done for publishing this! I have a post which I've had sat in drafts for ages and am not near brave enough to hit the big publish button yet! x

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    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. The support since posting this has been incredible. Honestly push publish it's like a weight has been lifted of my shoulder xx

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  17. I'm so so sorry you've had to go through this. This is so heartbreaking. You really do need to put yourself first and say enough is enough and remember that it's not you, it's them. Sending such big hugs. xx

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