Monday, 26 June 2017
Would you abandon your children?
No you wouldn't, this however has repeatedly happened to me during my life. I have always feared writing this post in case my parents ever read it but why should I feel ashamed? This has happened to ME.
Let's start from the beginning. I have always had a very strained relationship with my parents. I have always felt like I have never been good enough and that I was just a huge disappointment from day one.
I struggled with anxiety since I started secondary school and I was unable to sit my exams. I left school and at the age of 16 I started my first job and began paying my parents rent. I worked hard but as I previously mentioned nothing I did stopped me from feeling inadequate. The arguments became daily and they were always about nothing, just very picky and draining.
I counted down the days until I could move out of home which happened a month after I turned eighteen. They couldn't have made it clearer how happy they were to see the back of me and I started a new life with my now husband. Years later they admitted that they didn't want me to go and that they were angry at the time, hence the reason I had to leave such a toxic environment.
The years following me moving out of home were so up and down. They would be in my life for a few years then they would find an excuse and walk away again. Every time leaving me in such a mess that my husband/friends had to pick up the pieces. When I found out I was pregnant with Isabelle our first child they were in my life. They had been for a while and things were good for the first time in years. They were the first people I called when I went into labour and seeing them meet their grand daughter for the first time was so special. Fast forward two and a half years and they were gone again, with no explanation. I was pregnant again with Charlie and they knew. For me it was like my whole world had fallen apart. I was used to the feeling but to walk away from a child? To walk away from a time where another grandchild would be coming along. From Isabelle, someone so innocent who was getting to know them, who looked up to them. As awful as it sounds at least Isabelle would be able to forget them and there would be no upset. There is no point trying to comprehend this because to this day I still can't make any sense of it.
Now I need to add that my Nan is my rock, she is my best friend. We have been through everything together and without her I don't no how I would of got through everything. Every time I let them back into my life it was for her. A few weeks before Christmas 2015 and she called me to say that my Dad wanted to know if we could meet to talk. It took me a few weeks to decide what to do but I eventually decided to hear him out. We met at Costa and he wouldn't acknowledge anything. He wouldn't explain why they stopped talking to me and expected us to just be able to have a nice chat. This made me so angry. It was clear they wanted to be back in my life and even though I did not feel comfortable with this I had to do it for my children. At least at the time that's what I thought.
They met Charlie who was 14 months by this point and Isabelle again who was now three. We rebuilt our shattered relationship once again and for the usual two years things were the best they had been in a while. At the beginning of this year things were incredibly hard for myself and my husband, they still are. In normal circumstances we really have to watch our money but back in February after having to pay out for a few things we had to ask for help.
I called my Mum just to borrow £20 and she wouldn't let me talk and said 'what do you want I'm busy'. I will admit I hung up the phone, it was happening again and I didn't want to say anything I would regret. Weeks went by and Easter came around. They sent the children a package and trying to be the bigger person I sent them a video of the children opening it. This was ignored. Fast forward to June and Isabelle's birthday. By this point they had not spoken to my daughter since February and had sent me a message to say her birthday presents would be late but they were on the way. I replied that I had no issue accepting gifts but only if they contacted her. This may sound harsh but I don't want either of my children to think that gifts just come out of the sky. For me what my parents were trying to do just wasn't right. You can probably guess the next part. They did not contact Isabelle on her birthday and for me this was the end. They had officially broken me.
I contacted them and advised that I could no longer have any form of relationship with them and I asked that they not contact me or my children again.
The reason why I am so upset this time is because I no it is the end. It's one thing to do it to me my whole life but I stupidly let them back into my children's life and for that I feel overwhelmingly guilty. I could have saved my children from so much hurt. Isabelle asked my why they hadn't called on her birthday and I just couldn't find the words. How do I even begin to explain this to a five year old?
If I had done something so horrible over the 29 years that I have been alive then maybe I could understand but I never have. I have written this post to try and help myself get over this as it is so raw. It is also one of the topics that I am going through with my psychology practitioner. The way in which they repeatably walked out of my life has left me feeling completely lost. They are my parents, I should feel loved, supported. Now I feel nothing.
They have repeatedly abandoned me over the years and now I have to say enough is enough. I have to protect myself once and for all and more importantly I have to protect my children. My children could never do anything to stop me being there for them. I will never abandon them like the way my parents abandoned me so many times. The thought of not being there for my children makes me feel sick to my stomach. I always try to look for the positive in situations and for me this is finally putting myself first.