Today was hard. Now that the children are asleep and I am sat in a quite house I'm not sure how I continued to carry on. I feel fear, I feel ill and I feel exhausted.
Life will always throw obstacles but it's how you deal with it that matters. Most can resolve what ever it is and move on with their life. I however make myself ill with how much I let things consume me.
Today was another example of this. Something unexpectedly happened and although I dealt with it well at the time, hours later I started to shake and the room was spinning. Then that dreaded feeling washed over me. Panic. I wanted to give in, I wanted to let it just do whatever it wanted to me so that it would be over. But no, I fought it. I pushed the feelings away and did whatever it took to not let it consume me.
Over the past year I have started to notice that stress is affecting my anxiety more and more. The two just go hand in hand together. I find myself thinking am I strong enough to be a wife, a mother or a friend? When anxiety is my life is there enough room for everything else?
If you saw me today you wouldn't have been able to tell, as usual I put my face on and pushed through the day. What I hate is that it is hard enough to receive bad news or to go through a difficult situation but then I get a second kick to the stomach when my anxiety replays everything. It's like a double attack.
I have been lacking in confidence recently. I have been finding it harder and harder to speak to people and to break out of my comfort zone that my anxiety puts me in. I have had to remove myself from certain friendships and situations purely because they were having a negative impact on my life. A few years ago I would never have done this but I have to do what is right for me. I can only have supportive, character boosting, loving people around me.
The fear is setting in of waking up tomorrow and that well known feeling of panic suddenly hitting. I need to remember that it is not in control, I am. All I can do is stay true to myself and continue to fight this. Today was bad but that's exactly what is was a bad day, everyone has them whether it is anxiety related or not.