Monday, 4 September 2017

Back to school dread

As I write this its the day before Isabelle goes back to school and a wave of sadness has come over me, one that I can't seem to shake. It's been building up for the last week. As I have labelled her new uniform, as I have put her P.E kit back in it's bag and as Monday get's closer I'm not ready to lose her back to school yet.

There is no dread for Isabelle, she is so excited to go back and if she had it her way I'm sure there would be no half terms! This was our first summer holidays since she started last year and I feel like it went by in a flash. I did everything I could to make it the best possible but now it's over I find myself regretting certain aspects of it. Did we do enough? Did I let a lack of funds ruin it? Did I say no too much? Did I spend enough one on one time with her? Will all she remember be me asking her to stop fighting with her brother so many times. And of course none of these things matter it's just me over thinking as usual. 

When I actually sit and think about the past six weeks we did so much, more than I actually thought we would be able to do. I have to stop being so hard on myself I know. Isabelle's first year of school taught me that she does get so stressed and I wanted her to be able to have the best break possible. She doesn't even go back until tomorrow but I miss her already, my heart aches, how is that even possible and maybe it sounds a bit pathetic? 

The other aspect of this is that my social anxiety really hasn't missed the school runs and the awkward chats with other parents when I can't make conversation. I am determined though not to let this get to me too much this time round. I over think it far too much, I just need to be accepted for who I am and to stop trying to fight it. 

As much as I don't want tomorrow to happen I need to be thankful that Isabelle loves school as much as she does as this would be so much harder if she didn't. I need to embrace her passion and let some of it rub off on me I think. By the time this post goes up she will have done her first day back at school in year one and I will be hearing all about it. It's just breaking the routine for the six weeks of half term and then getting back into it again. 

Most of me knows that I just need to pull myself together, the rest of me however just wants to cuddle this little one and not let her go! Back to reality...........

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