Autumn has always been my favourite season. Summer ends and a change begins. The leaves begin to turn orange, the darker nights begin to creep in and the year is slowly coming to an end. I wish that a change could come into my own life. Not for me but for Isabelle, I wish I had a magic wand to take everything away for her. Things are getting worse and I hate the feeling of having no control over it. I want to take all the worry away from her, I would have her worries in a second.
I find myself walking a lot more, I can't bear to sit around thinking. Over thinking never does anybody any good. It's hard to let go and realise that this time I have to. I have to put my trust in others to help her, whether that be doctors or her teachers while she's at school. All I can do is hold her hand through all of this and tell her that it will get better. I want to wrap her in cotton wool and keep her with me at all times. I just want her to be OK, so badly.
When she's around I try my hardest not to let on that I'm worried about her but sometimes I just can't hide my sadness. My beautiful daughter is consumed with worry and she has changed into a different child. That is the hardest part in all of this, that she isn't herself.
Getting out with Charlie has been lovely and Isabelle has of course joined in while she's been on half term. Going for a walk in the country side does seem to help her. I think it's just being outside and maybe it helps her to relax. Charlie is a great distraction for her and they love exploring together. I had pockets full of conkers, so much so that I suggested that maybe we should leave some for the other children!
While we're out walking through all the leaves (and throwing them at each other) everything is forgotten for a short time. The relief is obvious but then reality hits and the panic is back. We have to repeat our plans, we must say how long we will be there if we divert from the plan Isabelle becomes extremely distressed. It is so hard but I have all the patience in the world because right now if this is what comforts her then I will do whatever she needs and however many times she needs it.
Our weekends now always involve going out for a big walk, it seems to be like therapy for her. No child deserves what she is going through but this is what's happening and we just have to try our best to help her anyway we can. I just want my Isabelle back, anxiety free and loving every second as she grows up. To not have those horrible, worrying thoughts going round her head over and over again. It doesn't matter how long it takes, I will fight for her every step of the way.