Tuesday, 3 October 2017

My worst fear has become a reality




I can't believe I'm here. The fear in her eyes, the panic upon her face. I feel helpless, I feel like this cannot possibly be happening. But you have it they have said, you should know what to do. Until now I thought I would know what to do. 

My child has anxiety.

It's real, it's happening and I feel like I'm reliving my own childhood all over again. It's like she is writing down my story but with her own words. Since the start of the year we have seen a change in Isabelle, a slow and steady change. We know what the trigger was and have tried hard to help Isabelle over come all of this. Ten months later and we are still here, watching our daughter struggle, seeing her consumed with worry. Like most with anxiety if it doesn't happen in front of you or I haven't told you personally, you wouldn't know anything was wrong. We have tried to play it down as much as possible, to not make it into a big thing if that makes sense but it's still here. 

For once I am able to say I know exactly how another person feels. I have a connection that is so strong because she is mine. Now there is another connection, an unfortunate one which I have always prayed would never happen to either of my children. The tears roll down my face as I blame myself. Have I some how passed this on to her, have I slipped up at some point and she has seen weakness inside me, has my worrying seeped out into her life. All children worry, some more than others and I know that. Once you have seen your child have what is basically an child's form of a panic attack it is imprinted on your mind forever. To not be able to take away that worry, to feel so unbelievably helpless. I can't even explain it, it's unbearable. 

As I have written before my children never see any of my anxiety, I have always made sure of it. Now I feel I have to be stronger than ever. She saved me by coming into my life when I least expected it, now it's my turn to do all I can to help her get through this. Every morning I now tell her 'You've got this'.  I squeeze her extra tight and say how proud I am of her, that she is my everything. 

We have taken her to the GP several times but have always been fobbed off, it's just a child worrying. Last week we saw a GP who just understood, he could see it and we are now on the road to getting some support for her.  I have known what has been going on for ten months but last week the realisation finally happened and I broke down. I broke down because I wouldn't wish the way I feel on my worst enemy. I can't think like that though, she is so much stronger than I am. She shouldn't have a care in the world and I will do everything I can to make that a reality for her again. 


So this is why I have been absent across my social media and on here. She comes first, without explanation. I know she will get through this. My feisty, clever, beautiful girl. 












4 comments:

  1. I hope you both get the support you need! Massive hugs being sent your way!

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  2. So relieved when I read you'd found a GP who did understand. I was brushed off for years as a child and teen and only in my twenties did I find a GP who understood. Thankfully these days there seems to be more focus and education in mental health as well as physical. I hope you all find the support you need xxx

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    1. That's exactly why I have kept going with trying to get her seen by someone who understands as I went through the same and there was just no help!Thank you so much x

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